Got Milk?
No, I don't have milk. In fact I would love milk, but I have a problem and I can't have it(much).
I friends have decided I am a full-fledged Lactose Intolerant human being. You might be thinking aww, poor Tony he can't drink milk. Well Fuck you, I would be responding to that thought you may or may not be having, I CAN drink milk, and I intend on it until I die.
Ok so that last bit might have been a little over the top aggressive. But I like milk, and unfortunately I have to pay attention to what I eat. Sometimes with dinner I really do enjoy a large glass of cold milk to go with it. Unfortunately without a strong wind at my back I can't do that anymore. My problem's are by far and away not as serious as some people's Intolerances.
I just get gassey.
Really really bad too.
I was recently called an Ice Cream whore by Ms. Fuller and I do not mind this nickname. So, in order for one to be an ice cream whore they must enjoy copious amounts of ice cream, as I like to think I do. Onwards to relevance, today at the grocery store I stumbled across a new flavor of B&J (thats Ben and Jerry's) called Marsha Marsha Marshmallow, and dear lord, it was divine. It slid right past half baked as my favorite with ease, and thats a tough feat. So when I got home I made my dinner, half of this pint of B&J, yum yum, I thought. But no. I have been sitting in my room procrastinating my homework like champ and farting so horrendously neither of my two candles and multiple sticks of incense could mask this rank odor.
This is a problem.
I love Ice cream. A lot.
So naturally tonight in my discomfort as well as my procrastinate mode I have done some research on my ailment, and found out one or two interesting things, which I will now share with you, because I know you care about my farts.
Lactose intolerance is usually developed in teen and adult years. It is caused by the digestive system's lack of lactase, which digests lactose, which is in nearly every dairy product ever. It occurs in a whopping SIX percent of white Americans, so chances of you crackers developing it are pretty slim. Also, I can drink approximately eight WHOLE ounces of milk EACH DAY without issue. but my bowl of cereal every morning takes this buffer away quickly.
So by here you might be thinking, "Why are you complaining and making me uncomfortable with all of your gas problems, go out and do something!"
Here I would say, "Well friend, there isn't a magic cure-all to this, I can take some pills before I dive into that bowl of ice cream, but I haven't researched those much aside from their existence."
"Why don't you drink soy milk!"
"Thats like drinking non-alcoholic beer or decaffeinated coffee, I can't do that."
Now that you've read this far, you might be asking, "Tony, why do or should I give a flying fuck?"
I would respond this time with, "You shouldn't but..."
Know this, next time you invite me over for an excellent dinner, Serve me a giant glass of water(or wine), make sure our pasta isn't swimming deeply in cream sauce, and unless you are kicking me out right after dessert, lets finish it up with a nice piece of cake non-a la mode. With these precautions taken I will be a pleasant guest and there will be much merry-ness to be had by all.
Not inviting me to dinner is not a viable option.
